I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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