I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Of course I have a pirate flag
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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