I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize