What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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