Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
