im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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