True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
not ubering you a puppy
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
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