you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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