Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I think my moral compass just broke
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
