Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Dignity is for republicans.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
