I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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