the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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