I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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