Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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