Don't make out with my wife yet
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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