dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
