3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Randomize
