If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
