She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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