you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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