yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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