when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
