God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
