just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
