I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
