My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Randomize
