I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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