Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
