Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
