I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
