My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
