i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
