Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
