My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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