If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
