I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
