Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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