I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
