No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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