Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
