I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
