god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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