Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
