Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
