also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
He? As in you personified your dick?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
