college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
