I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
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