I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
