Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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