38 yer olds are good kisserssss
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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