I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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