I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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