he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
50% drunk capacity currently
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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