I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
