I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
