i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
