Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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